The years rarely begin with a promise or a clear plan, but unfold slowly as life goes on. We are still worried about the coronavirus, essential healthcare workers like myself continue to be in the frontline. Parents like myself continue to navigate life in the best way possible, but it is all well by His grace.
Today, I find myself reflecting on the youth that still lives within me. I think about the paths not taken and the accomplishments that once felt urgent. I notice a fleeting sadness, but I am not wrapped up in it nor consumed by it, because it isn’t so bad. There is a passage that comes to mind when I think about youth:
“Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12 (ESV)
I do not read those words as instruction, but as a reminder that youth carries something of its own, a kind of courage, a willingness to move forward, a belief that God is present in every steps taken.
So when I think about the youth within me, I am not thinking of recklessness or being naive. Instead, I remember my courage, my belief that every step I took was already seen and guided by God.
So, thinking of the youth within, I am learning to tread carefully and offer her the grace and tenderness she deserves. I am trying to settle her, as she learned to overuse her strength and feels forced to follow a timeline unrealistic to her.Something the years has been gradually revealing, especially during this pandemic.
This pressure to have the ‘best’ life—the perfect career and social circle in our 20s—made it inevitable that I would feel these intense longings, demanding something powerful to show for it. It is exactly what psychoanalyst Karen Horney calls the ‘tyranny of the shoulds.
However, what I am seeing now is not only that pressure, but something else that has stuck with me. The youth within me is helping the adult I am becoming cultivate a kind of youthfulness that makes the statement “life is short” feel meaningful and full of possibilities.
Because even though there are things I did not accomplish in those earlier years, I understand now that what I was reaching for was not as simple as I once believed. Life they say carries weight, and some paths require time and a kind of readiness which I did not yet have (it is a progress though, and I am not defeating myself, I know the tongue is a powerful organ)
Still, even with that understanding, I notice that something inside me is still there. I think what I am also learning is that as I grow older, maturity does not have to make me lose myself. It does not have to make me stiff or overly strict with who I am becoming.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”— Proverbs 4:23 (ESV)
I write this introspection because I do not want to lose the courage of the woman I was becoming in my early twenties as time tick tock into a different phase. The youth within me is not something I want tto leave behind, but a version I want to carry forward, with the courage to have new dreams with the little wisdom that time and faith have given to me so far. So today, I sit down with this note, myself and God #glorybetogod🙏🏾
