About a month ago, I received an email that said, “If I’m thinking negative thoughts about who God is (like, why is a good God allowing this to happen to me?) I look to the Scriptures and replace these negative thoughts with truths from God’s Word. The more I remind myself that God is good no matter what I may be experiencing, the better” At first, those words captured my attention only briefly. I was more focused on the other advice within the same email. But later those words came back to me, as if to hunt me, as if it to say “hey meditate a little more” and without second guessing, it linger with me longer than I expected. My self suspicion has alway been if anything return, or stay too long on my mind is a direction from You. So those words, they made me decide to stop focusing on the immediate frustrations of my present circumstances and reflect on my own journey.
The truth is, the older I get, the more I realize that my story with You did not begin when I found You. It began when You found me. And lately, the heavy demands of motherhood, routines, and life in general have felt very overwhelming But instead of letting the daily noise consume me, and sounding ungrateful I am looking back to where my beautiful journey with You began.
When I look back on my journey with You, I remember exactly where it all started. 11-year-old me, navigating a new life in the city of Freetown. You found me first when I wasn’t even looking for You. You met me with grace, and without hesitation, I said yes to Your heart. From the day I surrendered my life to You, You became my closest friend. I talked to You about everything—the big worries, the random questions, and my joys. I even asked Your permission for things that probably made no sense to anyone else, but that was how I learned to walk with You. I remember, even when my days were dark, and I was hurting, You always found a way to make me smile. Remembering this now makes me smile even bigger. I can almost feel those exact moments. Thank you.
As I grew closer to You, I discovered David—the man after Your own heart. Something in his story echoed in my soul. I wanted that same closeness; I wanted to be a woman after Your own heart. So, I tried to show it in my words, my actions, and how I loved others. Yet, like David, I have stumbled more times than I can count. During those broken moments, You never let go of me. Your mercy always found me, no matter how far I drifted. Psalm 145:8 says, “The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” That single verse summarizes my entire journey (entirely undeserved grace, wrapped in endless love). You are a Kind God.
With that, I find myself asking if faith is about chasing Your heart, or is it about holding onto it?
As I look back on my life, I notice something that kind of answers my own question, which is I keep looking for You in every season ever since I accepted You as my Lord and Savior, it is like I keep looking hoping to feel Your presence again and again. Which brings me back to David’s words in Psalm 63:8: “My soul follows hard after Thee; Thy right hand upholds me.” Could it be that chasing is not running after something far away? Maybe it is simply the act of continually returning to the One who has always been right here.
But the second part of the question is what does it mean to hold onto Your heart? I look at Bible verses and in Ezekiel 36:26, You promise to give us a new heart and a new spirit. That promise feels deeply personal. It tells me that You have already placed Your mark on my soul. Even when I do not meditate on Your word daily or faithfully enough, the Holy Spirit remains with me. With that I am understanding that holding onto Your heart may simply means resting in this truth which is slowing down, breathing, and trusting that I am entirely loved, even when I feel unsteady. Glory be to Your name Lord.
I cannot help but look back once more, even further into the past, before learning of Your name. Growing up was not easy. You already know this. I was born into the shadows of war—living through days of rampant fear and isolation before I was even old enough to speak. I was a helpless infant among people who could have easily harmed me, and yet, against all odds, a shield was always over my life. At the time, I was too small to recognize what You were doing; I was simply a baby surviving each day with my family. But looking back now, I see Your fingerprints in the very places I once thought were empty. You have always been there, protecting me even when I didn’t know how to speak, let alone pray. Oh how merciful are You Lord.
It is in balancing these two moments that the answer to my question finally becomes clear. In the chaos of that childhood war, I was entirely helpless. I could not chase; I could only be held securely by Your protective hand. But today, in the busy routines of my adulthood, I am invited to actively chase after Your presence.
So, the answer could literally be both. Right? Maybe that is what walking with You has always been: resting in the hands that hold me while continually turning my heart toward Yours.
Thank You Lord, for listening to me today and helping meditate on Your word. Thank You for helping me see how You have always protected. Moving forward, my life will be defined by this rhythm: I plan to keep chasing after Your heart with passion, while simultaneously holding onto it with total trust. Hoping that these two commitments will shape the woman I am becoming. #GlorybetoYourname.
